Title: Athena's Red Tail-Light
Author: Chris Taylor
Characters: Helo, Tyrol , Starbuck, Dee , Racetrack, Sharon (Athena)
Category: Characters, Humor
Timing: Sometime after season 2, while Helo is acting CAG.
Word Count: 1774
Disclaimer: Neither BSG nor the characters are mine and I make no money from this.
Pilot's Ready Room
"I think I can get you the fighters you need for both training and maintaining the CAP," Chief Tyrol said to Helo as they sat at a table with mission plans and schedules scattered around. "But I'm going to need some light scheduling within the next month to do engine overhauls."
"No promises," Helo said. "But after this latest batch of pilots graduate from training, I can cut back on flight hours... assuming the Cylons don't have other plans, of course."
"Okay, is that all?" Tyrol asked.
"Well, uh... Before you go... I do have a personal question I... well..." Helo leaned forward over the table and asked "You and Boomer were... ah... intimate a lot weren't you?"
"I... I..." Chief Tyrol stammered as he looked around to make sure no one else was in the room. "I'm not sure I wanna talk about that."
"I wouldn't ask ordinarily," Helo explained, "But there's something... different... going on when Sharon and I... you know. I figure it's because she's a Cylon, and you're the only other person I can ask about it."
Chief Tyrol exhaled sharply and looked down at the table for a second. "Yeah," he said. He looked up and confessed, "Yeah, Boomer and I pretty much couldn't keep our hands off each other. Any chance we had to be alone we'd frak like bunnies." A sly grin began to creep onto Tyrol 's face as he reminisced, "Sometimes she'd just give me this look across the hanger like..." He suddenly caught himself and stopped in mid-sentence, "Well, yeah, we did it a lot. If you're having problems with Athena, you might try ambushing her right after a mission. The adrenaline rush of a little danger always got Boomer 'frisky...'"
"She's not having any problems, with that," Helo assured Tyrol quickly.
"Ohhh." Chief Tyrol responded, "It's okay. It's different when you're married, with a kid to take care of all the time. After a rough day it can be hard to..."
"No. No." Helo said interrupting Tyrol again, "Neither one of us is having any problems getting in the mood. Nooooo, problem with that... It's..." Helo leaned forward again and asked, "Did Boomer have a red tail-light?"
"What?" Tyrol asked confused. "What do you mean by 'tail-light?' You mean like the brake lights on a car?"
"It looks more like a turn signal when it's going... but yeah. A red light on the base of Sharon 's spine."
Chief Tyrol looked disbelievingly at Helo. "You mean she gets red? Cally can get a little flush..."
"No, I don't mean she gets red," Helo said. "It's a fraking red light on the base of her spine, and it comes on when we're right in the middle of... well, fraking. If you turned out the lights you could read by the thing."
"That's weird," Tyrol said. "I never noticed anything like that on Boomer, but then I usually wouldn't have been in a position to see her from that angle. Does it always come on or just sometimes?"
"I... uh... I don't know for sure. She said she didn't know about it. I just saw it the one time last night. We... um... wanted to do something a little different so she was down on her hands and knees and I... you know... was going in from behind."
"OH!" Chief Tyrol suddenly interrupted. "You mean 'Tauron Style.'"
Helo looked confused for a moment by Tyrol 's slang term.
"That would explain why I never saw it on Boomer. I'm from Geminon you know. We don't go in for any of that dirty Tauron stuff where I'm from. I'm strictly a 'front door' man myself. Maybe that red light is some kind of warning light, like on a vehicle console... letting you know that you're damaging her exhaust port or coming into the wrong landing bay."
"What?! No. I mean..." Helo sputtered. "I mean I was in her from behind, but I wasn't in her... I'm NOT butt-fraking my wife..."
Helo's hurried and insistent correction was suddenly interrupted by the cackling giggles of Kara Thrace. She was leaning up against the doorsill for support as her whole body shook with laughter. "Oh Gods," she said trying to catch her breath. "That's hilarious!"
"How long have you been listening, Starbuck?" Helo asked.
"Long enough to be amazed at how two married men can still be such nuggets." Kara answered as she walked over to the table, spun one of the chairs around backwards, and plopped down on it with her arms crossed on the headrest in front of her. "All women get a flashing red light on their backsides when they're getting butt-fraked. At least when they're having an orgasm from it anyway."
Helo and Tyrol looked at each other skeptically and then back at Starbuck. "I've never heard of that before," commented Chief Tyrol.
"And how many girls have you fraked up the butt, Chief?" Kara asked pointedly.
Chief Tyrol didn't bother to answer.
"You're just pulling our legs, Starbuck." Helo insisted.
"Well, where do you think the term 'tail-light' came from then?"
"I thought it was from those lights they hung on the back of sailing ships to keep them from hitting each other," Chief Tyrol suggested.
"Then they'd have been called 'stern-lights' wouldn't they?" Kara said. "Ships have sterns. Women have tails." She held out her hands and looked confidently back and forth between Tyrol and Helo as if her comment was proof beyond any doubt.
"So, Starbuck, does that mean you've taken it..." Helo started to ask.
"You know me." Kara said with a smile as she leaned back a bit and gestured to herself. "Hell, I'll try anything once."
"But I wasn't butt-fraking Sharon ," Helo claimed. "We were just doing it..."
"If you weren't butt-fraking her, Loverboy, then why was her tail-light blinking?" Kara asked.
"Well, maybe Cylon women's tail-lights blink whenever they have sex."
Kara turned slowly to look at Galen Tyrol. Tyrol looked from Kara back to Helo, and then shook his head 'no' with a stern expression on his face.
"Maybe you just got it in the wrong hole by mistake," Tyrol offered.
"No!" Helo responded with irritation. "She's my wife. I think I know my own wife well enough to know..."
"Had you been drinking any beforehand?" Kara asked.
"Look..." Helo said as his ears began to turn bright red. " Sharon would've said something."
"Maybe she liked it that way." Kara suggested with a casual shrug.
"I was NOT butt-fraking..." Helo said loudly. He stopped in mid-sentence when the rear door to the ready-room opened. Margaret and Dee entered, and began posting the latest rankings for the new pilot trainee class. Helo looked at them for a second and then turned back to say in a low, angry voice to Kara and Tyrol , "I was not. Butt-fraking. My wife."
Kara just giggled and called out loudly " Dee , Racetrack, come over here... you've got to hear this."
While Helo and Tyrol turned to look at Dee and Margaret, Kara gave an exaggerated wink behind the men's backs. Helo turned back to look at Kara with an expression that quietly pleaded "please, don't do this."
Kara said to the other girls "These two married men didn't know about the red light that flashes on the base of a woman's spine when she's getting fraked up the ass."
"I thought everybody knew about that," Margaret said as she arrived at the table. "Don't they teach about that in high-school health class?"
"The boys took different health classes from the girls in my school." Tyrol explained.
"So which one of them is the butt-fraker?" Dee asked.
Tyrol pointed across the table at Helo. Kara said, "Helo did it to Sharon last night. He thought the blinking light was some Cylon-only thing, but I set him straight."
"I did not!" Helo said to Kara. By now the redness had spread from Helo's ears to his cheeks. He turned to face Dee and Margaret. "I am not butt-fraking my wife," he protested, "This was just a misunderstanding."
"Uh-hu, sure." Dee replied, sounding unconvinced.
"Are you blushing, Helo?" Kara asked. "Oh look, your whole face is beet red."
"Not as red as Sharon 's ass was, I'm sure." Dee pointed out.
Helo leaned forward and buried his face in his hands. "I'm not butt-fraking my wife." he protested weakly.
"Even the back of his neck is blushing." Kara pointed out.
"Why he ought to be embarrassed," Margaret said sternly. "That's just dirty. You should be ashamed of yourself, Helo... using Sharon that way."
Dee gently placed a hand on Helo's shoulder. "That's alright, Helo," she said. "They're just trying to get your goat. All women don't have a red light on their tail."
Helo exhaled sharply, "I thought that seemed..."
"Mine is purple," Dee said.
"Oh my gods," Kara exclaimed, "You mean Lee..."
"Oh, no. Not Lee. He's much too uptight for that... But Billy was a freak," Dee said. "He was working on a sex handbook. We tried everything." She leaned over close to Helo and added. "If Sharon gets bored with taking it up the chute, let me know and I'll give you something really kinky to try."
" Sharon isn't..." Helo insisted. "I'm not butt-fraking my wife."
"Hey, we need to head out if we want to make our Pyramid game," Margaret pointed out, "You coming, Kara?"
"Yeah, wouldn't miss it," Kara said as she stood up.
"I've got some beads she might like..." Dee said, raising her voice as she headed for the exit. "You know... to keep her stretched out while you're away."
Margaret paused at the door and added, "That's just wrong Helo. You'd better watch it or you two are gonna get some diseases."
Helo just buried his red, blushing face in his hands. "I'm not butt-fraking my wife," he said pointlessly.
"Hey, Helo," Kara said on her way out as she pointed her index fingers at him in the pantomime of a pair of pistols. "Pack it in there tight and pull her hair for me, okay." With a wink she turned and giggled her way out the door.
Helo lifted his head and yelled back at the three retreating women, "I'M NOT BUTT-FRAKING MY WIFE!"
"How's Hera?" Helo asked quietly as he walked up behind his wife, kissed her lightly on the back of the neck, and then wrapped his arms around her.
"Mmmm" Sharon purred as she leaned back against her husband, "Sound asleepů finally."
"You know, I've been thinking," Helo said. "Would you want to try something a little different?"
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