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Galactican Voice


Title: Galactican Voice
Author: chaos_eternus
Word Count: 1,171
Date: 08/11/04
Rating: T
Category: Humour
Warnings: Heh... none, except maybe to put any drinks down first....
Summary: The Voice Of God pays the Cylons a visit...
Spoilers/Disclaimers: Not much unless you havent seen the mini...

For the record: I do not own, nor do I claim ownership of characters or concepts from Battlestar Galactica or the movie Dogma

            Six smugly grinned at the annoyed number four as she continued, “We also destroyed the Caprican Carrier in that last attack”

            Much to Four disgust, Six continued “More in my first attack commanding the fleet than you managed in a full six months, isn't that strange Boomer, been going easy on the fools have you?”

            “Frak you Six” Four snarled, crossing her hands over her colonial uniform, glaring around at the amused humanoid models who were here aboard the basestar for the progress meeting.

            Those that couldn't be here, were either watching live Via radio or awaiting the courier of the meetings decision, a fcat which was making the four modle very grumpy as she realized almost every cylon in existence would get to watch Six's needling of herself.

            “Frak, if God hadn't deemed a holy war I would so…”

            All Hail the Metatron, the Voice of the Almighty,

            All Hail the Metatron, the voice of the one true God,

            All Hail the… bloody hell!”

            Six raised an eyebrow from the Scimitar wing she had dived behind to avoid get wet once the Fire Retardant sprays had started, courtesy of this ‘Metatron's' fiery arrival, whoever he was.

            One thing she did know was he knew had to put an impressive amount of sheer disgust into that ‘Bloody Hell!' maybe she could learn things from him… before she killed him of course.

            “This was a new bloody suit! I only put it on five minutes ago and look at it! It's ruined! Seville row suits aren't exactly cheap you know!”

            “Who are you and what are you doing here?”

            Six changed her mind, she could learn something from Four instead, she really knew how to put a menacing/threatening tone into her voice.

            “What? Did all that silicon rot your brain? Well at least unlike Six here the silicon is actually in your brain and not in those flotation devices”

            It took Six five seconds to figure out that it was two number eights, a ten and a five that were holding her back, preventing her from attacking the intruder quite yet.

            She grimaced internally, -and then pretended she was giving up her attempt to attack, flotation devices indeed! Her captors weren't fooled.

            Grumpily, she listened as ‘Metatron' continued, “As I said, I am the Metatron, the Voice of the Almighty God. Everytime somebody says they have heard the voice of God, they have either heard me, been talking to themselves or their heads have exploded”

            Four surged forward, very annoyed, “You dare claim you serve God?” she raised her hand, signalling the Centurions guarding the meeting forward.

            Metatron just rolled his eyes, “What? You going to attack me with those fish?”

            Six watched with horrified fascination as the Centurions dropped to the floor, now wet, very fishlike and gills frantically moving as they tried to hopelessly to suck in oxygen from non-existent water.

            She didn't even notice as her captors released their grasp out of shear shock.

            “Right, God sent me with a message, ready to listen now humm? Got all the arrogance out of your systems?”

            They nodded, mostly out of sheer shock, every eye on the now still Former-centurions.

            “Right,” Six glanced over in time to see a scroll appear out of nowhere floating into the Voices hand, “By Order of the Divine, most Holy God, the race known as Cylons are hereby Excommunicated for their intentional and wilful attempt to annihilate the human race against the orders and commandments of the Divine”

            Metatron rolled up the scroll, glancing around the room with a malicious glare, “Any questions? No? Good”

            Six watched shocked and fearful as ‘Metatron' vanished in front of her eyes.


            His arrival aboard Galactica was a little more sedate.

            He just flashed into existence right in front of Adama whilst he was giving one of his speeches in the closed off landing bay, in front of the entire surviving Colonial Government and all the senior Colonial Military officers.

            It was enough to make the Cigar drop from Starbucks mouth.

            “Greetings and Salutations” the rather untidily dressed individual spoke, brushing the remnants of what appeared to be fire suppressant spray from what was obviously an expensive suit at some point, “I am the Metatron, the Voice of the One True God”

            Kara smothered a chuckle as she heard the Voices next, rather disgusted comment, “Bloody hell, I arrive in flames, doing the whole impressive voice routine and every time I get extinguished somehow, water, fire retardant sprays, but if I just flash into existence I get looked at like I'm the second coming, honestly I ask you”

            “Anyways…” he spoke, a little more loudly this time, a disk of some sort flashing into existence in his hand as he turned to the Commander, “God wants you to go to Earth…”

            “It exists?” Kara filed away the shock in Adama's voice for later questioning, extensive questioning. She glanced across at Lee and grinned, she wasn't he only one who had caught that then, Adama was going to be in real trouble.

            “Yes, thankfully” Metatron grimaced, “would have caught up with you a lot sooner but Cleveland demanded my attention, there was this evil ascendant coming to attack Earth not to mention Darth Rosenberg and the bloody mouth of hell or those evil lawyers, Eaters of Death… Well, let's just say the usual millennium hi-jinks on Earth and leave it at that”

            “Usual Millennium Hi-jinks…” Adama flatly replied, Kara mentally agreeing with the tone. Usual millennium hi-jinks? What kind of hell hole were they heading to?

            “Unfortunately for you, God doesn't want to make it too easy so you don't get a map; you get the stars as seen from Earth” he pressed the device into Adama's hands, “For the record, the Cylons figured out Blatar would be ruled by his ‘equipment' a long time ago…”

            A surge of angry voices filled the room and startled, Kara realised one belonged to her.

            “And Boomer!” Metatrons voiced rose above the crowd, “You don't have to worry about it anymore, understood?”

            Metatron made as if to go, but stopped, glancing over his shoulder to the medical and scientific delegations, “and by the way, Scanning Electron Microscopes…”

            Kara grimaced, what the frak was one of those? She glanced across at the scientific delegation; they were nodding understanding, ahh something scientific then.

            She snorted, but they had found themselves a new bench on which to sit, so that's where Baltar had got too…

            “…are generally called Magnetic Resonance Imaging when used on the human body”

            The Medical delegation looked interested, “Perfectly safe and Silicon shows up like a Goth in a Flower Power parade…”

            Every Colonial in the room looked very interested, making Metatron grin as he flashed out, heading towards his favourite bar, “Well that was easy, no ‘prophets' to deal with at least…”