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The Cold Of Winter

By Silwyna

Title: The cold of winter
Author: Silwyna
Word Count: 819
Rating: T
Characters: Lee
Date Posted: 11/14/2006
Category: Angst
Story Timeline: Several years after Season 3
Spoilers: Small spoiler for A Measure of Salvation
Warnings: Character Death

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program Battlestar Galactica are the creations of SciFi, RDM, DE and many others and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended by the author. The ideas expressed in this story are copyrighted by the author.  

I have spent my life between the desires of summer and the cold of winter. When I was younger, I thought, when the summer comes, I will find the perfect love. And in this love my life will really begin. But when I had done everything I was forced to do, the summer was over and everything that remained was the cold of winter.*

President Roslin promised us a bright, shiny future once we found earth. Two month ago we found it. I'm looking at it right now. It looks almost like Caprica. But it's not quite the same.

Everyone feels happy. They look forward to settling down on earth. We don't have to run away anymore. We don't have to be afraid anymore. The Cylons are wiped out. It had been my idea. Use the Cylon virus to destroy them once and for all. It worked. There are no Cylons anymore. Sharon was one of the first who died. Karl died shortly after her. He didn't want to live without her. He didn't want to live with the people who had killed her.

Everyone around me is smiling. I force myself to smile back at them. It's getting harder every day. I feel empty inside. I had hope once. Hope that once we found earth life would be better. Easier. I had been full of hope for a better life. But there is nothing left of it now.

I promised to bring our people to earth. We're here. I fulfilled my promise. There is nothing left to do. I could just walk away now. It wouldn't make any difference.

All my life, I just wanted to be Lee Adama. I never could.

When I was a child, I just wanted to be that. A child. But I couldn't. Whenever my father left, he told me to be his little warrior and watch out for Mom and Zak. So I did. I tried to be the man of the house when all I really wanted to be was a son.

When my Dad left our family for good, for a short while I thought I could stop being his little warrior. I thought I could just be Lee Adama. But Zak wanted me to replace our father. So I did. I became more than just his big brother. And Mom, she wanted me to hate our father for leaving us. And I did. But when I started to resent him, I started to resent her too. And I felt lonely.

When I was older and joined the military, I thought now I could just be Lee Adama. But I was wrong again. I was the son of William “Husker” Adama and I was supposed to be as good in everything as he was. And I was. In some cases I even excelled him. But I wasn't truly happy.

When I was on leave and came home, I just wanted to be a son returning to his mother. But I wasn't. I was the son who had become a viper pilot against his mother's wishes and stepped into the footsteps of his hated father. I didn't come home very often after the first time.

When my father promised us that we would find earth, I was hoping that once we'd get there, I could start over. I could start a new life and just be Lee Adama.

After my father died and I took command of Galactica, I made a promise to bring our people to earth. And I did. We're here. I'm looking at earth. I could just get a raptor and fly down there. I could start a new life. But it's too late now. I'm tired and I only wish for all this to end.

I look down at the gun in my hand and I think how easy it would be to just end it here and now. I don't want to die on a foreign planet. Galactica has been my home for half my life. I raise the gun to my head.

I think of Kara. I hope she'll understand. We always had this screwed-up relationship. We have been so many things. Friends, colleagues, brother and sister, lovers, rivals, Apollo and Starbuck ... we never were just Kara and Lee.

When my father promised us we'd find earth I had hoped we might have a chance once we're there. But too many things have happened. I will never be just Lee. I know that now. And I have accepted it. But I'm too tired to live with it anymore.

I hold the gun to my head and my eyes fell on the picture of my father, Kara and me. It was taken shortly before his death. It's the last thing I see before I pull the trigger.

The end

* by Leif GW Persson, Zwischen der Sehnsucht des Sommers und der Kälte des Winters